Effective Communication in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself trying to resolve a conflict with someone only to find that the situation turns out to be worse rather than better? It is frustrating, isn’t it? The ability to communicate effectively is very important not only in intimate family relationships but in work and social relationships as well. Your efforts at conflict resolution will be more effective if you incorporate these principles of respectful dialogue.
Effective communication is essential for healthy relationships. Unfortunately, we are not born with effective communication skills; these skills are acquired through learning from others who model good communication. Sometimes people learn to communicate in destructive ways, which will adversely affect the health of relationships. During our developmental years, if we did not have good role models that exemplified healthy communication, we will be clueless as to how to communicate in relationships during adolescence and beyond. How is one supposed to learn this critical life lesson?
I’m going to provide you the keys to successful communication, so save or print this information for future reference.
The essential principles for effective communication you’re about to read apply to relationships of any kind, parent-child, employee-employer, friends, or coworkers, but for ease of explanation, I’m going to discuss this in terms of couple relationships.
Here are some simple rules that will dramatically improve your communication:
1. Unconditional Positive Regard: Dr. Carl Rogers, an influential humanistic psychologist, defined this concept as the complete non-judgmental acceptance of another regardless of their perceptions, opinions, or actions. It is the greatest gift you can give to anyone, especially your children and spouse. It lets them know they are loved and accepted despite their shortcomings. It is incredibly important to communicate this acceptance in your verbal and nonverbal communication.
2. Listen Attentively: Stop what you are doing and sit quietly to hear the content and emotions your partner is conveying, so you can reflect their feelings back to them. This helps them to know they were heard and understood and allows them an opportunity to clarify anything that got lost in translation. The act of listening conveys empathy and understanding.
3. Don’t interrupt. One of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.” Allow your partner to express his or her thoughts. If you attempt to interject while he or she is talking, it disrupts their thought process and the flow of communication. If you are concerned you may forget what you want to say in response to their comments, write down what you want to say, and express your thoughts and feelings when it is your turn to talk.
4. Understand what underlies the anger. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion, which means that the primary feeling is generally either hurt or fear. If your partner is angry, try to determine the primary emotion so you can address the hurt or the fear. Anger is an emotion that can create distance, which can provide a sense of safety for some people. Sometimes they need to be alone with their anger for a while; allow them this time to themselves.
5. No criticizing. Nothing destroys a relationship quite like criticism. Criticizing your partner is not only harmful to their self-esteem but harmful to your relationship as well. There is no delete button to erase the damaging words you’ve said. You can say you didn’t mean it afterward, but the reality is that if you didn’t think it, you wouldn’t have said it. Always be judicious in your choice of words, because hurtful words will be indelibly etched in the mind of your partner.
6. No yelling. Effective communication comes to an abrupt halt when voices are raised. When the volume of the voice increases, the other person abandons the listening role to formulate their defense to the attack. When both people start yelling, it is time to ring the bell and retreat to your corners to regroup for more effective round of communication.
7. Take a time-out. If your communication is taking a destructive turn, STOP and agree to take some time away from one another. Agree to a time when you will resume your discussion. Some people need 10 minutes, and others need to go for a run or need a few hours to go play golf before returning to deal with the issue. Others may need a day or two away depending on the intensity of their feelings and their ability to regulate their emotional states.
8. Postpone the discussion in the event of intoxication. The ability to have a logical, rational communication is compromised if someone is intoxicated. Under the influence of alcohol, we are more likely to say things we might not say if we are thinking clearly. This will likely lead to destructive communication and escalate the problems in the relationship.
9. Express what you feel not what you think. If you are someone for whom it feels safer staying in your head rather than dealing with emotions, this may be hard for you. But your partner needs to connect with you on an emotional level, so try to let your guard down and get in touch with feelings.
10. Accusations are ineffective ways to communicate your perceptions and feelings. For instance, the statement, “You were flirting with that woman.” reveals a woman’s perception that her partner was engaged in an inappropriate conversation with a woman. It would be far more effective for her to say, “When I saw you talking with that woman, it made me feel hurt and disrespected.”
11. Avoid using absolutes. Phrases such as “you always” or “you never” generally do not reflect reality, and these exaggerations simply engender anger in the person being accused.
12. Avoid starting with “you.” When a sentence starts with “you,” it automatically puts the other person on the defensive, because it feels accusatory. It is more productive to start with, “When that happened, it made me feel __________.” You want the other person to be able to understand your position, but they won’t be able to comprehend where you are coming from if they are feeling attacked.
13. Why?” Asking “Why?” can feel interrogating. It is better to use the phrase, “Help me understand,” because it comes across as more caring and concerned.
14. Avoid becoming defensive. If you are wrong, admit it and apologize for hurting your partner. People who have trouble accepting that they are not perfect have difficulty taking responsibility for their role in the conflict. They will excuse their own behavior and make counter-accusations, which is very damaging to the relationship.
15. Avoid putting your partner on the defensive. As I stated previously, avoid starting a sentence with the word “you” as this generally evokes a defensive response. Rather than saying, “you would rather spend time golfing with your buddies than spending time with me,” it would be more productive to say, “when you spend half your day golfing, it makes me feel hurt, because it seems you’d rather spend time on the golf course with your friends than with me.”
16. Reflection for the purpose of clarification. It is important to reflect back to your partner what you heard them say. Restating what you heard your partner say does several things. First, it allows them to feel heard and respected. Second, if you interpreted what they said in a way that is different from the message they intended to send, it provides an opportunity for clarification, which eliminates misunderstandings in communication. Third, it offers an opportunity for the listener to provide an empathic response. For instance, you could say, “What I’m hearing you say is that you feel disregarded and unimportant when I fail to call and let you know I’m going to be late.”
17. Use words that soften. “I love you” or “I’m sorry” can de-escalate an argument faster than anything. You may not be feeling love for your partner in the heat of an argument when you’re feeling angry, but just because you feel angry doesn’t mean you stop loving them. You may not feel like you owe your partner an apology, but you can still use the words “I’m sorry” to change the tone of an argument. You are not saying, “I’m sorry I was wrong”; you are merely saying “I’m sorry if what I did left you feeling disregarded” or “I’m sorry I have angered you. It was not my intention to hurt you.”
18. Avoid long periods of silence. I’ve had couples report living together in silence for as long as 6 weeks because they were both so stubborn, neither wanted to be the first to give in. This is a lose-lose proposition. They may think they are winning by not giving in, but the relationship is suffering, and both partners are suffering from this destructive competition. When I asked the couple to do the writing exercise below, this practice of punishing one another (and themselves) with silence stopped, and their communication flourished.
Strategic communication planning:
1. Before discussing the problem verbally, write your partner a letter or email in which you delineate the points you wish to make. Always start the communication with expressions of love and things you appreciate about them. I recommend communicating 3 positive affirmations for every negative comment. This helps them to remember that you value them even though you may be unhappy about something they have done. Consider what you expect their response to be and prepare to answer their concern in your letter. This allows you to choose your words carefully and think about the most effective response. If you would rather communicate verbally instead of giving them a written letter, you may do so, but this invaluable writing exercise will prepare you in advance to have the most productive discussion without resorting to destructive communication. If they are angry or hurt, they have time to think about how their words will be received by their partner and edit their message if it comes across too harshly. If you are a person who has difficulty getting your point across because you become too emotional or flustered during the discussion, or if your partner tends to turn things around on you, it may be best to allow them to read the letter in advance of your verbal discussion. If they read it in its entirety before they respond, it will enable you to get your entire point across without being interrupted. They will have their chance to respond to something about which they disagree after they have read the letter. This allows them to get a better understanding of your perspective rather than getting defensive or offensive before you’ve expressed your feelings.
Do not underestimate the value of this writing exercise! It is a lesson in effective communication I found to be extraordinarily helpful in couple’s therapy. When I was counseling military couples, it was fascinating to see how communication improved in a marriage when they were forced to communicate through email after one spouse deployed to the Middle East. It improved their communication even after the deployment ended 15 months later.
2. Start with the end in mind - another Steven Covey concept from 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Think about what answer you would ultimately like to get from your partner and work backward. Ask yourself, “How can I get my partner to say these words?” You are unlikely to get your desired response unless you think this through carefully.
3. The transmission of communication requires a sender and a receiver. If the receiver is not in listening mode, the message will fall on deaf ears, so it is crucial to choose a time when the receiver is open to receiving. Before you try to talk with them about the issue, carefully select a time when you will be able to get your partner’s undivided attention. Attempting to resolve a weighty matter when your partner is preoccupied with a problem at work or when he is trying to watch the Super Bowl will likely not result in the best outcome.
In conclusion, it is a well-documented fact that stress adversely affects our health. If our relationships are a source of stress in our lives, our health can be adversely affected by the relationship interactions we have on a daily basis, especially if we have more than one relationship that is compromised. Learning effective communication skills can improve your relationships as well as enhance your health and well-being. You have much to gain by trying these communication strategies.
In good health,
Valerie Folsom-Martin, LCSW, FDN-P, CMHIMP, CHHC
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