Embrace Your Authentic Self
I attended a workshop at Deepak Chopra’s center, where they asked participants to focus on the question, “Who am I?” The purpose of this exercise was to encourage people to focus on their authentic self, the soul that lies deep within us. Dr. Phil, in his book, Self Matters, defines the authentic self as “the real, true, genuine substance of who you are…the composite of all your skills, talents, and wisdom” rather than “who you believe others expect you to be.”
We may lose sight of our authentic self through the socialization process from infancy to young adulthood. To gain approval from family members, peers, or employers, we may change who we are to please others. If what we change about ourselves differs dramatically from who we are at our core, it can be problematic for us. We learn, as young children, that we are expected to live up to our parents’ and teachers’ expectations. As we approach the preteen years, we may feel we have to change who we are to gain acceptance from our peer group. This social pressure affects our personality development and ultimately who we are as adults.
As parents, we tend to have a blueprint for our children’s lives in our minds at the time of their birth, and we may unconsciously pressure them to conform to who we want them to be rather than respecting and nurturing their innate uniqueness. We need to encourage our children to be true to themselves and not succumb to social pressures to be someone they are not. Especially important is respecting children’s desire to follow their own educational/career path as young adults and encouraging them to be the best at whatever vocation they choose, as their life satisfaction depends on their happiness in their chosen career.
Young adults who allow their parents expectations of them to override what they feel intrinsically driven to do often live an unhappy, unfulfilling existence because the life they live is not of their choosing and is incongruent with their authentic self. For example, Andre Agassi, in his book, Open, writes about feeling empty despite being the best tennis player in the world, because he pursued a tennis career for someone other than himself. Living life to please someone else took a tremendous toll on his sense of wellbeing and overall sense of satisfaction with his life.
People are often so focused on managing others’ impressions of them that they lose sight of their authentic self. Many will go to great lengths and expense to influence others’ perception of them. Some are so concerned with how people see them, they may build a mountain of debt to create a façade behind which they hide their true self out of fear that others will not accept them if they see what lies beyond the façade.
This desire to be accepted is exemplified in Colbie Caillat’s song, Try, in which she sings about girls feeling like they have to have slim bodies, get their hair and nails done, or max out their credit cards to be able to buy the right clothes to be accepted by their peers and be able to have a sense of belonging.
The beautiful message to girls is:
Wait a second, why do you care what they think of you.
When you’re all alone by yourself, do you like you?
You don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have to give it all away…
You don’t have to change a single thing.
Authenticity is about being okay with the fact that others know you are not perfect. It is about acknowledging your weaknesses and embracing opportunities to learn from your mistakes. It is about loving and accepting yourself, warts and all, and not caring that others will see your imperfections. It is about not having to prove anything to anyone. It is about doing things because it makes you happy rather than because you are trying to garner the approval or acceptance of others.
To be truly happy, you need to be able to embrace your authentic self and not feel like you need to change to be accepted by others. If you find yourself amongst people who cannot embrace and accept you unconditionally, understand that these people will drain your energy and that these are not friends and that you will be better off without them in your life. Surround yourself with real, authentic people who don’t feel they need to impress everyone.
As an existentialist, I believe that we are all uniquely designed to serve a specific role in the universe, and I encourage you to get in touch with your authentic self and fulfill your Divine purpose in the world.
“Merge into your authentic self and live the life you want.” - Morgan B. Holland
In good health,
Valerie Folsom-Martin, MSW, LCSW, CIMHP, CCTP, FDN-P, CHHC
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